Queen, wicked, self-absorbed queen
Snow White, beautiful, young lady
Magic Mirror, a wise-cracking mirror.
Hunter, slow-witted with a crush on the queen.
Trekky, a very logical dwarf
Smelly, a dwarf with a serious hygiene problem.
Bossy, a overbearing dwarf
Dummy, a mentally-challenged dwarf.
Interior of the castle. Enter the QUEEN. She crosses over to the magic mirror.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
MIRROR: What? Are you back again? You come to me twice or three times a day and ask me that same question. What is the deal here?
QUEEN: I want to know if I am the fairest woman in the kingdom.
MIRROR: Why is it you need so much reassurance? Is your self image that bad? You don't need a magic mirror--you need a therapist.
QUEEN: What I DON'T need is your advice. Now, answer my question! Say one of those witty poems you do like, "Roses are red: violets are blue. Fairest in the kingdom is the one and only you," or Roses are red: daises are white, If you think you're best, you sure are right." Ready? Hit it.
MIRROR: Okay, okay. Roses are red: violets are blue. The best-looking babe is someone else, not you.
QUEEN: Thank you, thank you. You sure know how to flatter a woman, you big tease! (Realizing what he just said.) Not me? What do you mean when you said, "not you"?
MIRROR: Do you need a dictionary? What part of "not you" don't you understand? You’re not the best-looking babe in the kingdom.
QUEEN: (Throwing a temper tantrum.) Well, why not? I do aerobic exercises every day, eat a low-fat diet, and I bought one of those exercise bikes that have the big fan for a wheel.
MIRROR: Not good enough. Somebody is still doing better than you are.
QUEEN: If it isn't me, then who is it?
MIRROR: Roses are red. The sun is so bright. The best-looking woman is called Snow White.
QUEEN: Snow White?
MIRROR: That's what I said.
QUEEN: My step daughter? The one I command to wash the floors of the castle?
QUEEN: The girl I dress in rags, command to scrub the entire castle with nothing more than an old toothbrush?
MIRROR; And the girl with the perfect white skin, no age spots, knock out figure and skin wouldn't know a pimple if she fell over it.
QUEEN: But I work night and day on my beauty, wear the latest in medieval fashions, and use every beauty aide available!
MIRROR: But Snow White just naturally looks good.
QUEEN: (To the audience.) I hate her.
MIRROR: Have you seen her since she got that make over? All the knights think she's hot enough to burn through solid steel. (He howls like a wolf.)
QUEEN: That's quite enough, Magic Mirror!
MIRROR: She can do her make up in my mirror anytime!
QUEEN: You're forgetting who's mirror you are!
MIRROR: I'm yours, Queenie, but if you want to give me to her as a birthday present, I'm willing! (The QUEEN storms off stage left.) Blackout
Outside of the castle Enter Snow White dressed in rags and carrying a bucket and a toothbrush to scrub the courtyard of the castle. She kneels down and starts scrubbing.
SNOW: Scrub, scrub, scrub—that's all I ever do! Scrub this, Snow White. Wash that. Snow White. Have this dry cleaned by five o'clock so I can go to the ball at the neighboring castle, Snow White. I hate doing all this cleaning! And at minimum wage no less! Why didn't I stay in school and get an education? (Upset.) Look at my hands! (Changing her mind.) They're... well, beautiful. I have beautiful hands. I have a beautiful face. Quite frankly, I am very beautiful. The queen thinks she's beautiful, but have you noticed how she's been putting on weight lately? And if you take a good look at her skin it's getting pretty wrinkled. I think the visits to the tanning salon are finally catching up with her. I never go to the tanning salons. As a matter of fact, I never go anywhere without my sun blocker. It's Spf 70-the highest you can buy. I love my alabaster skin. My dear father named me for my skin. Oh, I forgot to introduce myself to you. I am "Snow White." Did you hear that? "Snow White." If I tanned I would have to change my name as well as be the victim of premature aging.
QUEEN: (offstage.) Snow White, quit talking to the audience and get back to work!
SNOW: That's the queen. She's my stepmother. I don't want to sound mean but I don't like her very much. It's very unfeminine to say you hate someone but I think I hate her. She has all thenice clothes and I'm stuck wearing junk like this. (Looking at her reflection in the bucket.) But even in rags I am attractive.
QUEEN: (Offstage.) Get to work, Snow White! Any slower and I'd have to time you with a calendar!
SNOW: Well, it's been nice talking to you. I hope you are enjoying the show. I better get back to work. (She starts scrubbing. In flies a little bird, it chirps to SNOW WHITE. PRINCE CHARMING enters unnoticed by SNOW WHITE.) Yes, scrubbing the floor again. (Bird chirps.) I finished washing all the dishes and shining the silver. (Bird chirps.) I know it's a dog's life. I must have "kick me" written all over my face. (Bird chirps.) It's just an expression. Oh, how I wish I were a little bird like you and I could fly over these castle walls and see all the things I've never seen and meet all the people I'll never meet—especially young, good-looking, rich princess like him. (She doesn't realize she just saw the prince for a moment but then does a double-take and notices PRINCE PRINCE.) Oh! (She hurriedly tries to straighten her dress and fix her hair.) I didn't hear you come in.
PRINCE: Part of being exceptionally suave is walking very gracefully. Who were you talking tojust now?
SNOW: Just a little bird. This little bird talks to me and I talk to it. He's the only friend I have in the whole world. We're very close. PRINCE: You talk to birds? SNOW: Yes. PRINCE: And the bird talks back? SNOW: Uh huh.
PRINCE: And you understand what the bird says, right?
SNOW: That's right.
PRINCE: Huh. Pardon me for asking, but have you been drinking?
SNOW: No. Why?
PRINCE: No reason. (Gives the audience a look that says "She's bizarre!")
SNOW: Do you think it's strange to talk to birds?
PRINCE: I wouldn't call it all that common. But what's really nutso is thinking the bird can talk back. Let's me introduce myself. I.M. Charming.
SNOW: Rather stuck on yourself, don't you think?
PRINCE: No, no, that's my name. "I" period. "M" period. Charming.
SNOW: I. M. Charming. I mean you are Charming.
PRINCE: No, U. R. Charming is my brother.
SNOW: That's not what I mean. What I meant was
PRINCE: It's quite all right. I'm used to the confusion that being a Charming can cause. Because of the name problem most people just call me Charming.
SNOW: Prince Charming.
PRINCE: That's me.
SNOW: You really are charming. And handsome too!
PRINCE: Thank you. And you are?
SNOW: Snow White. I'm the step daughter to the wicked queen. I mean my wicked step mother. I mean the queen.
PRINCE: Have you always had a problem with stuttering?
SNOW: No, I haven't always had a problem. I mean, yes, I haven't ever had a problem with—oh, never mind, Prince Charming.
PRINCE: I sense you don't like the queen.
SNOW: She makes me scrub the entire castle night and day, seven days a week. Can you see why I don't buy her expensive Christmas gifts?
PRINCE: You're the queen's step daughter?
PRINCE: I take it you wear these rags as a fashion statement or are you trying to dramatize the plight of the working class as they are repressed by the landholding aristocracy?
SNOW: Huh? I mean yes. I have always deeply involved in politics.
PRINCE: Which form of government do you feel is best democracy, republic, oligargy, or monarchy?
SNOW: Well that all depends
PRINCE: On what?
SNOW: On which ever you like. My, you're handsome!
PRINCE: No, I'm Charming—Handsome is my uncle.
SNOW: So what brings you to our castle?
PRINCE: I came to meet the queen. She's a widow and I came to check her out—I mean to introduce myself. I'm looking for a new wife.
SNOW: What happened to your old wife?
PRINCE: Cinderella? She had a love for mice and pumpkins that seemed ... I don't know . . a little scary. Kind of like the way you feel about birds.
SNOW: Me? Like birds? What do you mean?
PRINCE: You just told me that bird was your only friend you had in the world.
SNOW: Oh, I was just teasing. I hate birds. As a matter of fact, we eat a big turkey every Thanksgiving.
QUEEN: (Offstage.) Snow White?
SNOW: Yes, evil stepmother-I mean evil queen-I mean Your Highness?
QUEEN: (Offstage.) Who are you talking to?
SNOW: I. M. Charming.
QUEEN: Rather stuck on yourself, don't you think?
SNOW: No, that's his name. He's the prince from the kingdom just down the road, second drawbridge on the left.
QUEEN: Well, Just don't stand there drooling all over his boots! Send him in!
SNOW: This way.
PRINCE: Thank you.
SNOW: By the way, the queen is much too old for you.
PRINCE: She is?
SNOW: MUCH too old. If you are looking for a new wife, I'm young and single and... interested. Would you like to stop by and see me some time?
PRINCE: You're young.
PRINCE: And beautiful.
PRINCE: And you dress like a bag lady.
PRINCE: (Starting to exit.) But if you get some better clothes maybe we'll see what can happen.
SNOW: Oh! (Exit PRINCE CHARMING.)
SNOW: He's so handsome and available and, well, charming! He hates me in these clothes, so that shows a heightened sense of fashion. (Exit SNOW WHITE right.)
Interior of the castle. Enter the QUEEN from right.
QUEEN: Send in the Royal Hunter! (Enter HUNTER from left.) Hunter!
HUNTER: Whattaya want for dinner today, Queenie? Deer, buffalo, or elk? Maybe I can interest you in a nice steak from a moose?
QUEEN: I want you to kill Snow White!
HUNTER: Kill Snow White? I'm sorry but my Royal Hunting Permit doesn't allow me to do in other fairy tale characters. But I tell you what I can do. I've been seeing some really nice elk up in the east mountain. Maybe I could interest you in one of those?
QUEEN: I don't want to eat her, I want her dead because she she's more beautiful than I am--at least that's what my mirror says.
HUNTER: You want her dead?
HUNTER: Just because she looks better than you. (She glares at him.) According to the mirror's opinion. Now, Queenie, I know it's not my place to question your decisions, but don't you think killing someone just because you think she's better looking than you is overreacting to the situation?
QUEEN: I don't care. I want her dead!
HUNTER: Don't you think it would make more sense to spend some time with the royal psychiatrist first?
QUEEN: Are you implying that I'm crazy?
HUNTER: You? Crazy? Just because you want to kill someone for looking good? Just because you spend every waking moment worrying about your looks? Just because you work all day exercising and using every crazy beauty aide that comes along instead of looking out for the welfare of the kingdom. No. I wouldn't call that crazy. I CALL THAT INSANE!
QUEEN: Let me put it into words that even you can understand. Kill SnowWhite or I'll have you killed!
HUNTER: You'll kill me if I don't kill her?
HUNTER: You'd do that?
QUEEN: In a heartbeat. (She bursts out laughing and crossing to his right.) Sorry, just a little joke to keep the tension down. (She grabs him by the front of his clothes.) Don't mess with me, Hunter, or you'll definitely be sorry. I am woman: hear me roar. (She growls like a tiger.)
HUNTER: In that case, how would you like that done? Stabbed, shot, or poisoned?
QUEEN: (Releasing him.) I knew you'd see it my way. Just kill her. I'll leave the method up to you. Now be gone!
HUNTER: (Starts off but then turns around to try to talk her out of it.) Queenie, The mirror thinks Snow White looks better than you, but that's just one mirror's opinion. Now, I, for one, like my women more mature, seasoned, broken in. Women are like a old pair of boots. They get better and more comfortable with age. With ever wrinkle, every stain or scuff, with every little loss of the glossy finish they gain character and become beautiful on the inside as they waste away on the outside.
QUEEN: Are you calling me an old boot?
HUNTER: (trying to smooth over the situation.) Yes. I mean 'no.' I mean if I had a choice between a young, beautiful girl like Snow White and a middleaged, leathery broad like yourself. I'd pick you every time.
QUEEN: You can rest assured that you will never get the chance. I want you to kill Snow White, and, just so I have proof of the deed, I want you to bring her heart in a box. (She gets it from a small stand upstage left, and then she crosses down left center to the HUNTER’S left. She gives him the box.)
HUNTER: Her heart in this box?
HUNTER: (He puts the box in his bag.) Would U.P.S. ground be okay? Or would you like it sent air? Air is faster but I'll have to charge more.
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